Sunday, February 19, 2006


Just as i promised... second part!

1. Dumb &Dumber
[after Lloyd trades the van in for a moped]
Harry: Just when I thought you couldn't get any dumber, you go and do something like this... and totally redeem yourself!

Llyod: I expected the Rocky Mountains to be a little rockier than this.
Harry: I was thinking the same thing.
Llyod: That John Denver is full of shit, man.

Lloyd: Excuse me, Flo, what's the soup du jour?
Flo, Waitress #1: It's The Soup of the Day.
Lloyd: Mmmm... that sounds good; I'll have that.

Harry: Once, we successfully mated a bulldog with a shiatsu.
Mary: Really?
Harry: Yeah, we called it a bullshit.

Lloyd: I'm only human Harry! Come on! So we backtracked a tad!
Harry: A tad? A tad, Lloyd? You drove almost a sixth of the way across the country in the wrong direction! Now we don't have enough money to get to Aspen, we don't have enough money to get home, we don't have enough money to eat, we don't have enough money to sleep!
Lloyd: Well, it's not gonna do us any good sittin' here whinin' about it.

[while looking back at Mary]
Lloyd: There's really nothing to worry about Mary. Statistically they say you're more likely to get killed on the way to the airport. You know, like on a head on crash or flying off a cliff or getting trapped under a gas truck! That's the worst! I have this cousin, well y'know, I had this cousin...
Mary: Uh, Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road please?
Lloyd: Oh, yeah! Good thinking. Can't be too careful. Lot of bad drivers out there.

2. Snatch
Avi: Should I call you Bullet? Tooth?
Bullet Tooth Tony: You can call me Susan if it makes you happy.

Turkish: You take sugar?
Brick Top: No thank you, Turkish; I'm sweet enough.

Bullet Tooth Tony: Boris the Blade? As in Boris the Bullet-Dodger?
Avi: Why do they call him the Bullet-Dodger?
Bullet Tooth Tony: 'Cause he dodges bullets, Avi.

Tyrone just backed into Franky Four Fingers' van]
Tyrone: I didn't see it there.
Vinny: It's a four ton truck, Tyrone. Its not as though its a bag of fucking peanuts, is it?
Tyrone: It was at a funny angle.
[All three turn and look back at the truck]
Vinny: It's behind you Tyrone. Whenever you reverse, things come at you from behind.

Turkish: What's happening with them sausages, Charlie?
Sausage Charlie: Five minutes, Turkish.
Turkish: It was two minutes five minutes ago.

Errol: Fuckface, who's speaking to you? He asked him, didn't he?
Turkish: Fuckface... I like that one Errol. I'll have to remember that one next time I'm crawling off yer mum.

[after hearing about Bullet-Tooth Tony surviving after being shot six times]
Cousin Avi: Six times?
Doug the Head: In one sitting.

Avi: Who is Bullet Tooth...
Charlie: Tony!
Bullet Tooth Tony: You silly fuck.
Doug the Head: He's a liability.
Charlie: You are gonna die Tony!
Charlie: [bang]
Alex Denovitz: He got shot six times, had the bullets molded into gold.
Charlie: I shoot you! You go down!
Charlie: [bang]
Alex Denovitz: He has two in his teeth that dad did for him.
Charlie: Why don't you fucking DIE?
Avi: Six times?
Doug the Head: In one sitting.
Bullet Tooth Tony: [Picks up a sword] Oh your in trouble now.

Turkish: Have you ever crossed the road, and looked the wrong way?
Turkish: a car's nearly on you? So what do you do? Something very silly. You freeze. Your life doesn't flash before you, cos you're too fuckin' scared to think - you just freeze and pull a stupid face.

Sol: What the fuck is that?
Vinny: Heh heh. This, is a shotgun Sol.
Sol: It's a fucking anti-aircraft gun Vincent.
Vinny: So, I wanna raise some pulses don't I?
Sol: You'll raise Hell. Never mind pulses.

Turkish: You aren't exactly Mister Current Affairs are you, Tommy? "Mad Fist" went mad, and "The Gun," shot himself.

3.national Security

Hank: Do you actually believe the crap that comes out of your mouth?
Earl: I'm not really sure until I'm finish talkin'.

Hank: This is a beer keg. It doesn't make any sense.
Earl: It makes sense when you put together the pieces.
Hank: What pieces?
Earl: It's obvious. The CIA, they're smuggling alcohol into the inner city in an effort to further subjugate the black man.

Earl: Your partner got killed. You lost your job. You went to jail. Your wife walked. You know what you are, Hank? You're a black man.

Nash: I thought I shot you. You must be one tough monkey.
Earl: [laughs] You and the monkey jokes huh. Didn't your momma teach you any manners while you were humpin' her?

4.Black Knight
Percival: How dare you deflower the king's daughter.
Jamal: Believe me, someone got to that flower long before I did.

Jamal: Do you have a thong?
Victoria: Excuse me?
Jamal: Never mind. We'll just take an old pair of drawers and cut the ass out.

5.Blue Streak
Miles Logan: Hey, this is the police. Move your busted-ass vehicle. Move, move, move, move. This is the LAPD. We'll pop one in your ass. We got guns and shit.

Miles Logan: What are you gonna do with one shoelace? Floss your ass with it.

Miles Logan: [talking to Deacon] I know you don't want to go to jail in Mexico because nobody wants to go to jail in Mexico. They put all kinds of burritos in your ass.

6.Soul Plane
Captain Mack: This is your soul plane chauffeur Captain Antoine Mack speaking. Welcome aboard NWA flight 069 from the 310 to the 212. It's time to bust this coney y'all. In a hot second, I'll be hittin' them switches and gettin' this bitch pumpin' and jumpin'. So screw your sh*t on tight and enjoy the flight.

7.Rat race
Bev Pear: Your daughter has to go to the bathroom!
Randy Pear: Alright, alright, Jason, look in the back for an empty jar.
Bev Pear: A jar? Girls don't pee in jars.
Randy Pear: Oh, right. Sorry. Jason, we're gonna need a jar and a funnel.

Randy Pear: Jason, put that away, you can't play that.
Jason Pear: Why not?
Randy Pear: Because it's Hitler's harmonica. You can't play Hitler's harmonica.
Jason Pear: You're driving his car!
Randy Pear: Yeah, but I'm not touching it with my mouth. I'm not sucking on the dashboard. I'm not getting his germs!

Enrico Pollini: Am I to late ? Look I won a coin, a gold coin, isn't it wonderful? Look at this room, what a beautiful room, have you seen this room?
Randy Pear: Yes! were in it.

Talking about Sinclair and his idea for them competing in the "race"]
Merrill: It's some sort of joke. It has to be.
Duane Cody: What kind of jackass just gives away $2 million?
Owen Templeton: Maybe it's a publicity stunt.
Randy Pear: What kind of publicity? He swore us all to secrecy.
Vera Baker: Maybe it's a secret publicity stunt.
Randy Pear: A *secret* publicity stunt?

8.Deuce Bigalow
T.J. Hicks: Did you know Holland invented chicken and waffles?
Deuce Bigalow: Really?
T.J. Hicks: Before that you could get chicken or waffles, but they were the first to put them together! Black people all over the world will be forever grateful to the Dutch for that.
Deuce Bigalow: You know the Dutch started the slave trade.
T.J. Hicks: THOSE MOTHER F#$%*%S!

T.J. Hicks: I'm in blackface. It's my disguise. See?
Deuce Bigalow: But you look the same.
T.J. Hicks: Are you saying black people all look the same?! You are such a racist! I should have the good mind not to let you help me prove that I'm innocent.

Deuce Bigalow: We're gonna prove that you didn't kill anyone.
T.J. Hicks: I don't give a damn about that. It's the "extremely gay" part that's bothering me. I mean, if I'm a murderer, they'll welcome me home with open arms. Get out of jail and become a huge rapper. But a gay pimp? Like, where am I going? Vermont?

T.J. Hicks: I ain't gay! I was just looking down his pants 'cause i heard his shlong was so big, and juicy! No wait! That didn't sound right!

T.J. Hicks: I prefer to be called a male madame. Wait, that didn't sound right.

T.J. Hicks: Don't make me he-bitch man-slap you!

Deuce Bigalow: Look, I think there's been a mistake.
Fluisa: Did you say steak?
Deuce Bigalow: No mistake.
Fluisa: Oh see now you got me all excited.

Deuce Bigalow: Wow! What are those?
Antoine Laconte: Medieval weapons. I'm a collector. There worth twice as much if they've killed somebody.
Deuce Bigalow: I collect Canadian quarters... I got about six of em...

9.wrongfully Accused
Lauren: Ryan and I were having sex! Hot steamy, sweaty sex! Every part of my body tingled orgasm after orgasm...
Officer: Uh, ma'am... I just asked for your name.

Ryan Harrison: [to Sean] Right? Signal "yes" by shooting yourself in the head three times.
Lauren: Don't, it's a trick!

Ryan Harrison: Your dog sure has a surprised look on his face.
Lauren: That's because you're looking at his butt.
Ryan Harrison: Uh, then he's certainly not going to enjoy that treat I just fed to him.

Cass Lake: Cass Lake.
Ryan Harrison: No, Ryan Harrison. You're mixing me up with some woman.

Cass Lake: You see, I think she's my sister.
Ryan Harrison: Sister?
Cass Lake: It's like a brother, only you do each other's hair.

Ryan Harrison: Don't move. I've got a gun. Not here, but I got one.

Ryan Harrison: Your lies are like bananas. They come in big yellow bunches.

10.Spy Hard
Dick Steele, Agent WD-40: I'm going in there.
Veronique Ukrinsky, Agent 3.14: That's crazy!
Dick Steele, Agent WD-40: No, crazy is walking down the street with half a cantaloupe on your head, muttering "I'm a hamster, I'm a hamster."

Dick Steele, Agent WD-40: Operator, get me Washington.
Operator: George?
Dick Steele, Agent WD-40: D.C.

Agent Steve Bishop: Sir, we have intercepted a disturbing video on the rock of gabraltar.
The Director: Well, what is it?
Agent Steve Bishop: It's this really big rock sticking out of the water on the south coast of Spain.

11.Scary Movie 3
[telling future to a pregnant woman]
Cody: It's a boy. He's going to be an asshole.
[standing on stairs telling future to man walking out of restroom]
Cody: You're getting lucky tonight.
[to "woman" walking out behind him, holding his hand]
Cody: He doesn't know you're a guy.

George: I have a dream.
Tom: What is your dream?
George: To have a dream.

Brenda Meeks: Cindy, the T.V's leaking...

[on the phone]
Cindy: Hello?
Tabitha's Voice: [indistinct] Seven days.
Cindy: What? Willie Mays?
Tabitha's Voice: [indistinct] Seven days.
Cindy: Who's gay? Hello?
Tabitha's Voice: [indistinct] Seven days.
Cindy: What?
Tabitha's Voice: Can you hear me now?
Cindy: Kind of.
Tabitha's Voice: Can you hear me now?
Cindy: Yes. Perfect.
Tabitha's Voice: Seven days.
Cindy: Seven days. Oh, my God. I'm gonna die next Monday?
Tabitha's Voice: Yes. No. Wait. Monday. That would be seven business days. This is seven days starting now.
Cindy: So seven days to this very hour? My watch broke. How am I gonna know the exact hour?
Tabitha's Voice: Forget hours. This day seven days from now.
Cindy: But there's a holiday coming up. Do you count the holiday?
Tabitha's Voice: Well, that depends. What holiday?
Cindy: Martin Luther King Day.
Tabitha's Voice: Then no.
Cindy: Why not? Everybody at work is taking it off.
Tabitha's Voice: Jesus Christ, lady. I'm giving you seven friggin' days. I can come over now and kill the shit out of you if you'd rather have that.

[Several black gang members have died fighting aliens]
President Harris: These men died defending their country. Send flowers to their bitches and ho's.

Becca: Have you heard about this video tape?
Kate: The one where they do it on the boat? And then in the car? And then in the bathtub? and he's like "Hey baby. I love you..." and she's like "Where are we?" and did you see the size of his...
Becca: No. Not that tape.

The Architect: I can't help it. It's very lonely in here. Ergo, I haven't been with anyone in a very long time, not counting myself. Or this chair. I call her... Linda...ohh

Becca: This is really weird...
[referring to ringing phone]
Kate: Yeah... Big house, only one phone...
[picks up phone]
Kate: Hello?
[passes it to Becca]
Becca: Hello?
Voice on Phone: [smeagol like voice] I'm coming for you my precious...
Becca: [looks relieved] Hi Mom...

Brenda Meeks: [TV flickers on] Cindy, the news is on. Another little white girl done fell down a well. Fifty black people get their ass beaten by police today, but the whole world gotta stop for one little whitey down a hole.

[Tabitha (dead girl from the ring) crawls out of the TV, stands up, and empties a whole bunch of water out of her ear]
Brenda Meeks: Cindy, this bitch is messing up my floor!
[Tabitha walks to Brenda]
Brenda Meeks: Cindy, help me!
Cindy: I'm not listening.
[Brenda punches Tabitha]
Brenda Meeks: Get up, you little ugly bitch. Come on! Let me see what you got!
[Tabitha tries to punch her, but Brenda holds her back]
Brenda Meeks: What you gonna do? That's all?
[punches her again]
Brenda Meeks: Ooh! I'm kicking her ass, Cindy! Yeah! What's up?
[proceeds to kick and head butt Tabitha]

The Architect: We loved our daughter very much, but she was evil. Made the horses crazy. Killed our puppies. Hid the remote. Really sick shit. My wife took her to the old family farm and drowned her in the well. I felt a simple time-out would have been sufficient.

Mr. Meeks: These just came today. Photos from a trip she took.
[passes them to Cindy]
Cindy: [Cindy flicks through photos] They're blank.
Mrs. Meeks: Turn them around, honey.
Cindy: Oh.

President Harris: Get me the President.
John Wilson: You are the President.
President Harris: Good. Then I already know about this. Let's order lunch.

Cindy: I'm looking for something more than just good sex.
Brenda Meeks: I know. You want commitment.
Cindy: No, I want great sex.

Architect: It's already begun. You're too late.
Cindy: Oh, my God.
Architect: But not too late to make an old man happy.

[flying saucers appear in the sky]
President Harris: Ah, good. The Air Force is here with those new round planes.
Secret Serviceman Jones: We don't have round planes, sir.

Annie: Promise me you'll never remarry.
Tom: I promise.
Annie: And no sex, either.
Tom: I'm sorry. I didn't catch that.
Annie: No sex.
Tom: Honey, you're not speaking clearly. Your injuries must be awful.
Annie: No sex.
Tom: Oh, cruel fate to shroud my wife's dying words in mystery.
Annie: [shouts] No sex!
Tom: Poor Annie. We hardly knew her. She'll be missed terribly.
Annie: Oh, Jesus.
Tom: That's right, honey. Go into the light.
Annie: Look! Just tell George, swing away.
Tom: Right. Swing away.
Annie: Oh, sure. That you understand.
[Gasps and dies]

Tom: Come here! What did you do with Sue?
MJ: I didn't touch her, I swear!
Tom: I don't believe you!
MJ: Please, for God's sake! She's a girl!

President Harris: [looks at portrait of Harrison Ford] I wonder what President Ford would have done.

Agent Thompson: Sir! Step away from the window!
President Harris: [looks down] What? Did I forget to put my pants on again?


more to come...

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