Tuesday, April 18, 2006

aihs... damn bored

"You know the world is going crazy when the best rapper is a white guy, the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese, the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance, Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in America are named 'Bush', 'Dick', and 'Colon'."

"The only acting you ever see at the Oscars is when people act like they're not mad they lost. Nicole Kidman was smiling so wide, she should have won an Emmy at the Oscars for her great performance. I was like, 'If you'd done that in the movie, you'd have won an Oscar, girl!" -(At the Academy Awards as Host)

"If a bullet cost $5000, there'd be no more innocent bystanders."

-chris rock-

"I've got 40 Nations ready to roll son!" [guy from crowd] "Like Who?" "Who the fuck said that? Like who? England. Japan's sendin' PlayStations... Stankonia said they are willing to drop bombs over Baghdad."

"Look at that magic marker. What, you think that's some kind of crayon?!? Take the cap off, sniff it and get high!"

"They got this character on there named Oscar.. They treat this guy like SHIT, the entire show. 'Oscar you're SO mean.. isn't he kids?' 'Yeah Oscar, you're a GROUCH' It's like, 'BITCH, I LIVE IN A FUCKING TRASH CAN! I'm the poorest motherfucker on Sesame Street! Nobody's helpin' me.' And then you wonder why your kids grow up and step over homeless people. 'Get a job, Grouch!'"

Don't even tell me how to get to Sesame Street. That is a terrible place; I wouldn't go there if I knew the way. 6 foot pigeons walkin' around, and an elephant thats a junkie. 'Hiiii Berrrt.'"

How come they ain't found Biggie and 2-Pac's murderers, but they arrest O.J. the next day. Nicole Simpson can't rap! I want justice, this whole court is out of order!

And as I sip my soda, that I'm sure somebody spit in, I just would like to say to all of you, kiss my ass you rotten mothafuckas, now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go home and put some water in Buc Nasty's mama's dish.

What can I say about that suit that hasn't already been said about Afghanistan; It looks bombed out and depleted.

-dave chappelle-

"Jamaica would never make an atomic bomb. They may make an atomic bong. But I'd rather fight a war with the atomic bong because when the atomic bomb goes off there's devastation and radiation, when the atomic bong goes off there's celebraaaaaation!"

"If it's the Psychic Network, why do they need a phone number?"

"... And FROGS, fell from the sky! Maybe they fell from the sky or maybe there were a bunch of Jews with catapults going, "NOW!"

--In a Scottish Accent-- "Here's my idea for a fucking sport... I knock a ball in a gopher hole... Oh you mean like pool... Fuck off pool, not with a straight stick with a lil fucked up stick I whack the ball it goes in a gopher hole... Oh you mean like croquet... FUCK CROQUET! I put the hole hundreds of yards away oh Fuck off yeah... Oh like a bowling thing... Fuck no not straight. I put shit in the way like trees and bushes and high grass so you can loose your fucking ball and go whacking away with a fucking tire iron, whacking away and each time you miss you feel like you're gonna have a stroke. Fuck that’s what we'll call it a stroke, cause every time you miss you feel like your gonna fucking die. Oh great and here's the better part oh fuck this is brilliant right near the end I'll put a flat piece with a lil flag to give you fucking hope but then I'll put a pool and a sandbox to fuck with your ball again. I'll be there crashing your ass jerking away in the sand... Oh and you do this one time... FUCK NO! 18 Fucking times! WOOO!!!"

"Beer commercials usually have big men, manly men doing manly things: 'You just killed a small animal. It's time for a light beer.' Why not a realistic beer commercial like, 'It's five o'clock in the morning. You just pissed on a dumpster. It's Miller time.'"

"They're talking about partial nuclear disarmament. That's also like talking about partial circumcision. Same thing. You either go all the way or fucking forget it! You know what I'm saying."

"Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?"

"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."

-robin williams-

Maybe there is no actual place called hell. Maybe hell is just having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their noses when they're eating sandwiches.

-jim carrey-

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