Well, as promised I am writing more now compared to last year's 1 entry. Ever since my little time in the hospital it gave me quite alot of time to think about my life. I've realised that time is so precious and that I have been putting up to people way too much. The one line lots of people keep saying to me is "You are too nice", "You should toughen up", "Don't be scared to stand up to them" and so on. These lines have been ringing in my mind every time I lie down on that hospital bed. Besides thinking if I am ever gonna walk again or am I going to suddenly have a collapse lung, I have been thinking about my life as a whole. This line keeps coming up,
Am I really being too nice?
Should I even be more meaner or be more selfish?
Days passed and I keep telling myself that my values are to treat people nice. I was quite conflicted at times, on whether should I keep to my own principals and values of being nice or should I be a tad more selfish and meaner. I run thru all possible scenarios and did a full review and preview of my life. One thing I realised is that one day I might fall sick again and this time I wont be so lucky to come back like how I did. I realised how important time is, especially who I spend it on. Is this person or is this activity worth my time?
So I came up with a list of questions and actions that became my new list of principals or some would say mantra.
1. Does this person brings you joy?
2. Does this person benefit you now or future?
3. Did they allocate time for you?
a. Did they spend time with you because they are free or they free their time to spend with you?
4. Did they use you or just took you for a ride?
5. Are they genuinely genuine with you?
If not then slowly avoid mixing with them, allocate more time for people who deserves your time more. I didn't want to cut ties but I lessen down my communications. Who needs all these nonsensical shit in our life?
If yes, then allocate more time for them, precious them and treat them better. Spend time with them and appreciate them because they sincerely free up their time to meet you.
Even when it comes to activity I ask myself "Is this activity beneficial to me now or in the future?" and "Does it fulfil my emotional and physical needs?". If it is not then why bother to even waste time on it. Might as well spend it on something more worthwhile.
Now that I have became a little more fussy and more "meaner" people start to see me in a different light. Some have a hidden perception towards me. The changes are quite dramatic. Some see me as being dramatic and some are just frustrated of the new me and my new decision. Some just stop communicating all together. The last one disappoints me the most, as things now doesn't goes your way you just discard or move away. But life goes on. That is why at times I will try to trigger certain scenarios to see the true intention of the person. This is so that I know earlier rather than later when I have invested so much time and effort.
I no longer want to sit there and spend my precious hours on people that don't even bother to want to genuinely spend time with me or benefit me. So why should I even bother to return the effort, right?
I have always said that I chose to be nice because I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings but now I realised that I don't have to look after their feelings as well. Nor do I have to neglect or cause any problem with those that care less. I just avoid and get along with my life.
I realised that I am now a happier person irregardless what other people think or look at me. Don't like the new me? then you either put in more effort or just move on...
"What you see and hear depends a good deal on where you are standing; it also depends on what sort of person you are. " -C.S. Lewis
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