Friday, March 24, 2006

JOB VACANCY- damn funny

Uncle Ho Holdings, Malaysia's largest manufacturer,distributor and organisation. From retailer of quality pirated and bootleg VCDs, DVDs, Audio CDs, CD-ROMs seeks suitable candidates for our rapidly expanding our humble beginnings in Petaling Street in 1998, we are currently operating more than 68,000 outlets in the Klang Valley & Johor Baru. We have managed to secure at least 4 stalls outside every convenience shop, 8 stalls outside every coffee shop and 50 stalls at every pasar malam. We're expanding into every housing and commercial areas, making us the biggest outdoor retailing company in the world with over 16 million discs sold daily. Our high-tech multi million ringgit manufacturing facilities are now operated on ships anchored in international waters to circumvent local copyright laws. We are gearing for an IPO (Initial Public Offering) and are in the process of applying for MSC status as Malaysia's largest multimedia company.

Our Mission Statement
- To provide Malaysian youths with employment and a stable source of income.

- To help promote Malaysia as the top regional technology and multimedia hub in the true spirit of 'Malaysia Boleh'.

- To make available in Malaysia the latest blockbuster 30 days before its international release.

- To fight American hegemony by reducing the profits of Hollywood studios and Bill Gates.

- To place a stall every 25 feet on every five foot way throughout Malaysia.

- To reduce the rate of defective discs to 25%.

- To send every VHS player into early retirement and to achieve total extinction of the format by 2004.

Be a Franchisee
We offer exciting and profitable franchising opportunities for retrenched workers, unemployed individuals and ex-convicts. Set-up cost is a low RM 500, including an inventory of 150 titles, portable iron stands, plywood and red table cloth. As the franchisor, we'll provide you with protection against local gangsters, unsatisfied customers, enforcement officers and post bail if required. All confiscated items are our responsibilty and will be returned to you within 2 working days. You will be rotated with other resellers from nearby areas to reduce the rate of return or exchange for defective copies. For an additional investment of RM 1200, a battered 25 year old car will be provided as a mobile store. As part of the Uncle Ho Network, you'll be provided with access to VIEWST (VCD Inspectors Early Warning System). By placing well trained informers in every enforcement agency, we're able to eliminate the 'surprise element'. While we take every precaution to warn you of impending raids, we highly recommend the purchase of an unlicensed walkie talkie. You'll be able to network with other franchisees through the wireless system and receive additional news and warnings. As the largest purchaser of Motorola GP300 Walkie Talkies, we're also able to supply you units at very attractive prices.

Join Us Full Time - Vacancies Available (KL / PJ /Cyberjaya)

Reseller (26,000 positions, Nationwide).
Job Description: Operate mobile five foot way stalls.
Requirements: Chinese males aged 12 - 22 with blond hair only.
(Possession of own waist pouch to store X-Rated titles will be an added advantage.)
Benefits: Flexi-hours and additional one 'day off' each year during major annual operasi.

Graphic Artist (3 positions, Cyberjaya)
Job Description: Design covers/inlays for movie titles.
Requirements: Very rudimentary knowledge of Photoshop 1.0. Copy latest movie listings from IMDB's website. (Ability to design porno-looking covers for mediocre family movies will be an added advantage.)
Benefits: Free 10 copies of (pirated) software programs every month.

Camera Operator (15 positions, Klang Valley)
Job Description: Film movies being screened in cinemas without being noticed.
Requirements: Ability to hand hold a camcorder without any shake for 90 minutes. (Ability to hold your cough for 90 minutes and munch popcorn silently is an added advantage.)
Benefits: Free popcorn and movie passes every month.

Purchasing Officer (1 position, Cyberjaya)
Job Description: To buy back consficated items at a reasonable price.
Requirements: Good negotiation skills. Ex-employees of city and town councils are encouraged to apply.
Benefits: Easy settling of parking summons and other fines.

Please send your resume to:
The Group Human Resource Manager.
Syarikat Kumpulan Uncle Ho VCD DVD CD CD-ROM,
Holdings & Group Of Companies (Malaysia) (1998) Sdn Bhd.


Community Service / News / Promotions
- Meet The Fans & Autograph Session with the charming stars of 'Pramugara' on Monday, 12th May 2003, 8:30pm at Uncle Ho's Anchor Stall, SS2 Pasar Malam, Petaling Jaya. Check for future events on this page or here.

- In a hurry, too shy or too lazy to ask? Our VCDs & DVDs now come with hologram security stickers indicating 'Clear Copy', 'Cinema Copy' or 'Sum Kup'.

- 628 recently released inmates of Kajang Prisons were hired as
resellers under our 'Care Program'. Being a sensitive employer, Uncle Ho exempts them from selling brutal prison flicks like 'Hell Hole', 'Penitentiary' & 'Brubaker'.

- As a responsible corporate citizen, we provide
free Video-to-VCD conversion for all MAS cabin crew*.

- We offer 70% discount on all un-sellable indie,
art house, foreign-language and award-winning Iranian movies as our way of promoting quality films to the masses.

- Mother's Day Special - Special pack of 10 movies to watch with your mother non-stop this Sunday. Guaranteed no sex scenes.

- Promotional price: RM 30. New stalls opening in front of KLIA Main Terminal
Building this June & in Taman Negara this July.

- Founder & Executive Chairman Uncle Ho was barred
from the recent 16th Malaysian Film Festival. As the only viable distribution channel for local movies, Uncle Ho is saddened by the shoddy treatment accorded him.

- Uncle Ho Holdings donated RM 85000 to replace the escalator at Imbi Plaza which broke down 3118950 times.

Uncle Ho Menyokong MSC, Wawasan 2020, Malaysia Boleh, Peace Malaysia,Beli Barangan Buatan Malaysia, Kempen Cara Hidup Sihat, Kempen Anti Denggi, Kempen Kitar Semula & Kempen Membanteras Cetak Rompak operated on ships anchored in international waters to circumvent local copyright laws.

*all names and characters here are made up and got nothing to do with the living or the dead but only for the dimweeds who supports this..*

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