Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Clouded depression

I am here in my office thinking about what my life would have become if I were to do other things. My mind is clouded with so many aspirations and dreams. That sometimes I sit and wonder did I make the right choice. I talked to my boss about me thinking to switching professionalism. Not to other line but different department. What my boss told me is that I don't have the skills and ability to go in as others have their degrees and experience in the line and I will have to move a mountain just to move in. But all my life I always loved doing artistic stuffs. I wouldn't mind moving mountains just to make it happen. Honestly I am not happy with what I am doing now. HONESTLY, I am not happy. All I am doing now is just doing the best in what I am in now. Trying to love what I am doing. I just don't have the interest in the things I am doing.

I am in an advertising firm. I told this to my friend and they said that I should be happy as I am in the line that I love best. WRONG! I am in the line but not the department. I am in client servicing which is totally not my area of interest. First of all ever since young I hated doing sales and servicing. HATED it! But now I am doing what I hate. I am not a very cunning or suave person. I am not an articulate person who can twist and turn words. I am as dumb as a lamp post when comes to this area. This is the reason why I didn't go into business.

I was contemplating between graphic design, engineering and business. I opt for engineering coz graphic design is expensive and of course I am so dumb that I didn't found out about PTPTN till I entered college and I didn't make my stand and just think about everyone welfare ahead of mine. I didn't chose business coz I just don't like it. Not interested. But it was an option coz I needed an assurance in life. So I thought engineering was my best option.

In fact when I came into interview at G2 ad firm I applied to be a junior designer. But I just don't have the technical ability. Now I am searching and searching for a place that offers a part time course for Graphic Design or Just plain photoshop and illustrator courses. When I look at my colleagues in the creative department, I am just so plain envy. I would love to get my hands into what they are doing. Even back in high school I am always the guy that does the ticket designs, banners, tickets, magazines and mural designs. That's why all my friends say 99/100 of them question me when I entered engineering. Stating that I have wasted my talents on the wrong field.

Bottom line is, I hate my job now. Its not hard, its not 'that' stressful but it is an heartache looking at other ppl doing what I like everyday and cant even get near it. The creative director seems to scold one of our new guy about balance, feel, and arrangements. I sitting here actually knows all about it and don't get to do it. ARGH! I am trapped in something that I am trying to get out.

Lemme give you a brief view on my daily job. Come in at 8.45am, check my schedule, call a few suppliers to get some updates, THINK of what is my next step in solving the problems that is 'about' to happen. Just too many red tapes. I just not interested. And when the creative does something wrong I will get the fire from my boss coz I never help them to see it and even worse! If it is sent to the client, I will get it from the client. So practically I am the middle person getting all the shits. I get fucked front back left and right not to mention up and down. I am just not in a position to move. I work from 8.45 am till late in da nite.

I know my boss means well when she nags me about all the things around me. But the problem is, she keeps on saying that I am lazy, not taking the initiative and never think fast. Hell... she will bring up some topic few weeks back and question me about it and gives me a 1 hr lecture about it. I know she meant well but I need space to learn and move. I was put straight into the firing line without even knowing how to aim my gun. I know she is trying to push me to be like my senior of 2 weeks. Yes she left 2 weeks after I enter. I got no one to refer to. My colleague in the same department is also a new guy. Coming in 1 week after me. Yea we are suppose to replace my senior where she already established herself as a superwomen. Doing multiple tasks at a same time and not fucked up 95% of it.

I don't know. Everyday when I go to work it feels dreaded. I have to drag myself to work. When my boss calls, it sends shivers straight to my spine. To the extend sometimes I just lost confidence in myself. I feel like every step I make is a mistake. Even when there is nothing to do in the office I still feel the anxiety of work to do. I feel guilty sitting there and doing nothing. How am I to overcome this? I sometimes felt useless and demotivated. I tried to pick myself up by telling myself to look at my big boss. To look at him, how he achieve what he did. To take him as my motivation to strife and move on.

I do noticed that I have became more uptight and organised over the past 3 months working here but I am still searching for the light. Even though I am not as stressed and getting constant panic attack as I was when i first started but somehow I cant get past this feeling. I feel like I cant perform and disappointing everyone. I am trying... so hard... Its just that mistake after another. I sometimes think that I should just stop working in this job. I learned but somehow I still make mistakes. I've learned to let go but somehow some part of me cant. I am so locked up now. Maybe sitting at home bumming for so long has taken its toll on me.

Sometimes I also think that I am still immature. Still a spoiled kid hoping that everything will spoon fed to me. Maybe, maybe, maybe... Could it be that due to my bz weekends too? Coz honestly I haven't have a decent slow weekend since the first weekend after I started work. Its always filled with activities, family, gf or friends. I don't have time for myself. So far I never have a full day for myself. Morning till nite, from the time I wake up till the time I sleep. there is surely something that happened. Work, errands, relatives visiting, and shopping. Is it due to all this? Or is it me thinking that the whole world depends on me? Or am I just to nice to everyone that I agree on multiple tasks even if it is at the almost same time? is my time management bad? is my organisation bad? hey its a weekend! Been so bz throughout the weekday that I don't even have a decent weekend to just slow down.

Bottom line is, I am lost. Totally lost. I cant focus on my life. I don't even know what I am doing now. I am clouded with all this shits and giggles. I need my life back. I need to take a few days to sit and think of how can I get my life back on track and pull myself back together again. I cant just try to focus on my work and hope I can find my way out of it but I have to think and make my way out of it.
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