Thursday, May 19, 2016

Feeling Down and Battered

Tired, worthless, moody and sad was what I was feeling the past few weeks. I was trying to find out what was the problem but I somehow couldn't. I was losing my interest on anything and I was constantly angry yet sad. Then I came across an article that pointed out all the symptoms I had and that I may be suffering from work burnout. My mind was all over the place. I could not focus and I was snapping at anyone. After a while, I started to feel guilty and angry at myself for being a jerk. I started apologising to everyone but that did not solved anything. I was still feeling like a wreck, something that I never felt for a long time. The last time I felt this way was more than 5 years ago. Spending a good time with my family and friends brought a short joy but once after meeting with them I went back into that deep dark hole. To the extend some people even said that I was being dramatic or exaggerating and that I am just overreacting but I know what I am going through and I just can't get out of it. 

"What was the problem? " I thought to myself. "What was the cause of this?"... "Was it due to work?"... "Was it due to people?"...  "Was it all of the above?".

It was something that was puzzling to me. I have no reason to feel down. Yes, I was swarmed with work but I was swarmed with work before this but I never went into this kind of spiral. Me being me, I was trying to figure out what was the cause of this problem. I tried digging deep into my mind and started remembering all the things that was taught to me by successful people and I still can't find my answer. I was desperate for an answer as it was affecting my work and the people around me. I was constantly putting on a fake smile. My laughter was hollow as if I was a robot pre-programmed to laugh. It affected me so bad that I even considered quitting my job and leaving everything behind and disappear. 

It was not until today I found my answer... GOD! Nah just kidding! I stumbled across this video of Sean Stephenson on YouTube. He was talking about how we are so fixated about other people's judgement on us or what other people think about us that it affected us. We are locked in our our very own prison, which is our mind. Another thing he said was "never believe a prediction that doesn't empower you".  What he said resonated and hit a chord within me, not entirely but a part of me. For the past few weeks, was not a very pleasant time for me. problems here, comments there, challenges here, assholes there. I realised that I was the one who dug my own hole and jumped inside. I was the cause of my own problems. I made myself like that. Perhaps I tripped a little hard this time and I've lost my way somehow and let it consumed me. I was constantly blaming everything else including myself. As Jim Rohn said "You must take personal responsibility. You cannot change the circumstances, the seasons, or the wind, but you can change yourself".

I knew the answer all these while. How silly was I to be absorbed into this nonsensical hole?  A friend of mine told me today that I've put too much pressure on myself to perform that I've lost my identity. I think I shall get back on path and chill and smile like I always have...

In the words of Ian Malcolm of Jurassic Park...

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