Monday, March 27, 2006

SPORTs

I just realised that malaysians are good at sports that dont require any physical contact, and sports that physical size dont come into matters. For example, after watching the melbourne commonwealth games recently, i realised that the sports that malaysians excel in is in all the sports that dont need size or contact! Hockey for one, yea u all will say that its a physical contact sport, but after watching malaysia triumph over england, i only understand why malaysians do well in hockey. The sport is more of a gentlemen sport. Barely any physical contact, cmon... think of it if the players are all to lose their temper like football due to some physical contact... i dont want to be in the middle of the pitch! 22 men with weapons running against each other! Another sport is badminton n squash. We excel in these games because it requires more grit and determination rather than size. of course if u are taller u can do certain moves but in this game different sizes got their different advantages. One more that i am kinda suprised when i watch the CG. Lawn bowl... a young lady manage to overcome odds and beat a older n more experience player! haha... a young person winning a older person's sports...

So from now on i know which sport to support and which one not to.

"it is not what your country can do for you, it is what you can do for your country"

Friday, March 24, 2006

PHYSICS OF HELL

The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington engineering mid term.The answer was so "profound" that the Professor shared it with colleagues, which is why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic(absorbs heat)?

Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law,(gas cools off when it expands and heats up when it is compressed) or some variant.


One student, however, wrote the following:"First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate that souls are moving into Hell and therate they are leaving.

I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, lets look at the different religions that Exist in the world today. Some of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there are more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same the volume of Hell has to expand as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.

2. Of course, if Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.

So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by a girl I knew, Teresa Banyan during my Freshman year who said, "?that it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you.", and take into account the fact that I still have not succeeded in having sexual relations with her, then, #2 cannot be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and will not freeze."

The student received the only "A" given.

JOB VACANCY- damn funny

Uncle Ho Holdings, Malaysia's largest manufacturer,distributor and organisation. From retailer of quality pirated and bootleg VCDs, DVDs, Audio CDs, CD-ROMs seeks suitable candidates for our rapidly expanding our humble beginnings in Petaling Street in 1998, we are currently operating more than 68,000 outlets in the Klang Valley & Johor Baru. We have managed to secure at least 4 stalls outside every convenience shop, 8 stalls outside every coffee shop and 50 stalls at every pasar malam. We're expanding into every housing and commercial areas, making us the biggest outdoor retailing company in the world with over 16 million discs sold daily. Our high-tech multi million ringgit manufacturing facilities are now operated on ships anchored in international waters to circumvent local copyright laws. We are gearing for an IPO (Initial Public Offering) and are in the process of applying for MSC status as Malaysia's largest multimedia company.

Our Mission Statement
- To provide Malaysian youths with employment and a stable source of income.

- To help promote Malaysia as the top regional technology and multimedia hub in the true spirit of 'Malaysia Boleh'.

- To make available in Malaysia the latest blockbuster 30 days before its international release.

- To fight American hegemony by reducing the profits of Hollywood studios and Bill Gates.

- To place a stall every 25 feet on every five foot way throughout Malaysia.

- To reduce the rate of defective discs to 25%.

- To send every VHS player into early retirement and to achieve total extinction of the format by 2004.


Be a Franchisee
We offer exciting and profitable franchising opportunities for retrenched workers, unemployed individuals and ex-convicts. Set-up cost is a low RM 500, including an inventory of 150 titles, portable iron stands, plywood and red table cloth. As the franchisor, we'll provide you with protection against local gangsters, unsatisfied customers, enforcement officers and post bail if required. All confiscated items are our responsibilty and will be returned to you within 2 working days. You will be rotated with other resellers from nearby areas to reduce the rate of return or exchange for defective copies. For an additional investment of RM 1200, a battered 25 year old car will be provided as a mobile store. As part of the Uncle Ho Network, you'll be provided with access to VIEWST (VCD Inspectors Early Warning System). By placing well trained informers in every enforcement agency, we're able to eliminate the 'surprise element'. While we take every precaution to warn you of impending raids, we highly recommend the purchase of an unlicensed walkie talkie. You'll be able to network with other franchisees through the wireless system and receive additional news and warnings. As the largest purchaser of Motorola GP300 Walkie Talkies, we're also able to supply you units at very attractive prices.

Join Us Full Time - Vacancies Available (KL / PJ /Cyberjaya)

Reseller (26,000 positions, Nationwide).
Job Description: Operate mobile five foot way stalls.
Requirements: Chinese males aged 12 - 22 with blond hair only.
(Possession of own waist pouch to store X-Rated titles will be an added advantage.)
Benefits: Flexi-hours and additional one 'day off' each year during major annual operasi.

Graphic Artist (3 positions, Cyberjaya)
Job Description: Design covers/inlays for movie titles.
Requirements: Very rudimentary knowledge of Photoshop 1.0. Copy latest movie listings from IMDB's website. (Ability to design porno-looking covers for mediocre family movies will be an added advantage.)
Benefits: Free 10 copies of (pirated) software programs every month.

Camera Operator (15 positions, Klang Valley)
Job Description: Film movies being screened in cinemas without being noticed.
Requirements: Ability to hand hold a camcorder without any shake for 90 minutes. (Ability to hold your cough for 90 minutes and munch popcorn silently is an added advantage.)
Benefits: Free popcorn and movie passes every month.

Purchasing Officer (1 position, Cyberjaya)
Job Description: To buy back consficated items at a reasonable price.
Requirements: Good negotiation skills. Ex-employees of city and town councils are encouraged to apply.
Benefits: Easy settling of parking summons and other fines.

Please send your resume to:
The Group Human Resource Manager.
Syarikat Kumpulan Uncle Ho VCD DVD CD CD-ROM,
Holdings & Group Of Companies (Malaysia) (1998) Sdn Bhd.

E-Mail: carikerja@hocdvcddvdcdrom.org.i.u.my

Community Service / News / Promotions
- Meet The Fans & Autograph Session with the charming stars of 'Pramugara' on Monday, 12th May 2003, 8:30pm at Uncle Ho's Anchor Stall, SS2 Pasar Malam, Petaling Jaya. Check for future events on this page or here.

- In a hurry, too shy or too lazy to ask? Our VCDs & DVDs now come with hologram security stickers indicating 'Clear Copy', 'Cinema Copy' or 'Sum Kup'.

- 628 recently released inmates of Kajang Prisons were hired as
resellers under our 'Care Program'. Being a sensitive employer, Uncle Ho exempts them from selling brutal prison flicks like 'Hell Hole', 'Penitentiary' & 'Brubaker'.

- As a responsible corporate citizen, we provide
free Video-to-VCD conversion for all MAS cabin crew*.

- We offer 70% discount on all un-sellable indie,
art house, foreign-language and award-winning Iranian movies as our way of promoting quality films to the masses.

- Mother's Day Special - Special pack of 10 movies to watch with your mother non-stop this Sunday. Guaranteed no sex scenes.

- Promotional price: RM 30. New stalls opening in front of KLIA Main Terminal
Building this June & in Taman Negara this July.

- Founder & Executive Chairman Uncle Ho was barred
from the recent 16th Malaysian Film Festival. As the only viable distribution channel for local movies, Uncle Ho is saddened by the shoddy treatment accorded him.

- Uncle Ho Holdings donated RM 85000 to replace the escalator at Imbi Plaza which broke down 3118950 times.

Uncle Ho Menyokong MSC, Wawasan 2020, Malaysia Boleh, Peace Malaysia,Beli Barangan Buatan Malaysia, Kempen Cara Hidup Sihat, Kempen Anti Denggi, Kempen Kitar Semula & Kempen Membanteras Cetak Rompak operated on ships anchored in international waters to circumvent local copyright laws.

*all names and characters here are made up and got nothing to do with the living or the dead but only for the dimweeds who supports this..*

Thursday, March 23, 2006

SHITs n GIGGLEs...

Those who are now over 40, is allowed to have only one answer wrong.

Those who got 2 questions wrong, should visit a neurologist for brain-function checkup
Those who got 3 questions wrong, should see the doctor immediately for medication
Those who got 4 questions wrong, should now register with a nursing home closeby
Those who got all questions wrong, should be sent to the old folks home immediately

Please read instructions carefully,

Test for Dementia
Below are four (4) questions and a bonus question. You have to answer them instantly. You can't take your time, answer all of them immediately.
OK?

Let's find out just how clever you really are....

Ready? GO!!! (scroll down)


First Question:

You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?
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Answer: If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely wrong! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, you are second!


Try not to screw up next time.
Now answer the second question, but don't take as much time as you took for the first question, ! OK?

Second Question:
If you overtake the last person, then you are...? (scroll down)
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Answer: If you answered that you are second to last, then you are wrong again. Tell me, how can you overtake the LAST Person?..hahah...

You're not very good at this, are you?

Third Question:
Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator. Try it.

Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 . Now add 30 . Add another 1000 . Now add 20 ! . Now add another 1000 Now add 10 . What is the total?
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Did you get 5000?
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The correct answer is actually 4100.


If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!
Today is definitely not your day, is it?
Maybe you'll get the last question right....
....Maybe.


Fourth Question:

Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono. What is the name of the fifth daughter?
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Did you Answer Nunu?
NO! Of course it isn't. Her name is Mary. Read the question again!


Okay, now the bonus round:

A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done. Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?
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He just has to open his mouth and ask...!! hahahahhaa....

how many did u manage to answer correctly? all? none? muahhahaha... dimweeds

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

WHERE DO WE GO FROM HERE?

Death is just another part of life. in every life there is death. I've been sitting down and wonder where do we go after death... is it just the end of the road or do we go somewhere else? Well many religion claims that after we depart we will be sent to either heaven or hell or we will just wait for judgement day... some even says that we go to another world, some says we go to the underworld. But honestly... where do we go actually? no one could tell. But why some poor souls just cant take the fact that every life there is death? why chase immortality? why? is it because we have too many precious things that we do not wish to part with... loved ones, possessions, and almost everything else as they fear that they will not get to spend time with anymore. Some is so afraid of death as they are afraid that the amount of sins they commit will send them to hell or to eternal damnation. If that is so why cant we appreciate and precious what we have now and not be afraid of death itself? Live life to what u think satisfactory level and have no regrets or heavy heart when u leave.

You may say i am thinking too much... yes i DO have lotsa free time but really honestly and sincerely... i do not think there is heaven or hell. when we go... our shell will be recycled back to mother earth itself after death... that is the basic cycle of life. Coz if u think about it... why is there only humans that have heaven n hell? what about sealions? snakes? what about ants? bees? salamander? snails? they too are part of this world as a living being... do they have heaven too? why do we say dogs go to heaven? it is because we 'think' there is one... as we are too attached to them... we said that so we can have a peace of mind when they depart knowing that they have gone somewhere good...

What i think about this heaven and hell thing doesnt really make any logic yet i want to believe that there is one...But if u are suppose to be sent to hell for the sins that u have done then i can most probably say that hell is already overflowing with souls and heaven is just filled with a handful...

Heaven and hell are made up to scare humans so that they wont do any evil... and serve the human race better by doing more good... that is just the simple fact... BE NICE TO OTHERS.... Still dont think what i am saying is making any sense? Still dont want to accept the reality? Think about the story of heaven n hell... think again..clear your mind and think how it is formed... and what purpose it serves and if u manage to read it and understand it and there is many mistakes i said... then i will admit i am wrong, that is if u can convince me.

I may sound like a hyprocrit coz i wrote before about that the spirit thingy... but recently after hearing one of my close family friend passed away and how she fought through cancer just to be with her family... tells me that humans are another being in this world fighting to stay alive so that they can be with their loved ones or fight to stay alive for a purpose. That is not the work of any religion... that is the work of human spirit... not the ghost ghost spirit... but the state of mind. the will to carry on living and provide, protect and care. That is the true meaning of human spirit.

i want to believe...

Pippin: I didn't think it would end this way.
Gandalf: End? No, the journey doesn't end here. Death is just another path... One that we all must take.
Gandalf: The grey rain-curtain of this world rolls back, and all change to silver glass...
Gandalf: ...And then you see it.
Pippin: What? Gandalf?... See what?
Gandalf: White shores... and beyond. The far green country under a swift sunrise.
Pippin: Well, that isn't so bad.
Gandalf:No... No it isn't. -imdb-

i really want to....

Sunday, March 12, 2006

SHIT n GIGGLES

a picture of wut motorbikes feels like when i drive in KL

  • Yeah, I'm not into sports. If I had athlete's foot, my first reaction would be, "That's not my fucking foot."
I hate turkeys. If you stand in the meat section at the grocery store long enough, you start to get pissed off at turkeys. There's turkey ham, turkey bologna, turkey pastrami. Someone needs to tell the turkey "Man, just be yourself. I already like you, little brother. You do not need to emulate the other animals. I used to draw you." (Stares at hand.) Man, if you were missing a couple of fingers, you drew one fucked-up turkey. You'd be like, "That turkey's been in an accident.

"
I went to see a heavy metal band in New York...called Monster Magnet. Man, they were heavy, boy. The lead singer got on the monitor, and he said, "How many of you people feel like human beings tonight?" Then he said, "How many of you feel like animals?" And everyone cheered after the animals part. But the thing is, I cheered after the human being part because I did not know that there was a second part to the question. "Yes, I do feel like a human. I do not feel like a tree."

A Lot of Death Metal bands have intense names like Rigor Mortis or Mortuary or Obituary. We weren't that intense. We just went with "Injured." And later we changed it to "A Cappella"... as we were walkin' out of the pawn shop.

This one time I was in a convenience store, and a guy came up and asked me, "What's the score?" and I said, "What is the game? If it's a competition between me and you, and the object is to ask the other guy questions he doesn't give a shit about, then you are winning, one to nothing."

I asked this guy for directions to the store. He said "Oh, that's just a hop, skip and a jump away." Well... that ain't how I'm getting there. You got any directions for those who are walking?

I don't have a girlfriend. I just know a girl who would be really mad if she heard me say that.

I was in a casino, minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move. You're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. Unless you're a table.

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

-mitch hedberg [24 February 1968 - 29 March 2005] thanks for the memories-

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

POOL POOL Platter

Have u ever notice that when u drive to work in the morning and u notice the cars beside u or the vehicles beside u... that the cars usually only contains the driver... and no more...or better... ur own car contains u only! no wonder KL is always jam. Every single tom dick and harry drives their own car. Out of 10 car there is a car with a couple of ppl in it. and out of every 100 car u see one car packed with people. And people working in KL dare to complain about the jam... they are the one that cause the jam. OK partly its the system to blame. Coz everyone AROUND KL works in KL and not other places. eg; Almost 80% of PJ, Kajang, Ampang, Kepong and Subang residents works in KL. And after hearing from one of my fren is that his dad, sis and him works in KL. they leave home the same time but they all drives a car each. so imagine... 3 cars from one house. U say will it cause the jam? i think so! The problem is no one works the same time... some start work at 8 some 9 some 10 and after work... some will go here and some there... and another is no one takes the initative too. Some just dont have the patience to wait and some just being plain jerks. Lets just say there is no proper working system in Msia. No point widening the road when more and more people drives themselves to work at the same time. and when there is more cars and there is bottlenecks (4 lanes to 2 lanes...etc.etc...) there is ....yes.... JAM!!! so whats the point of widening.... "be cool, car pool?" dammit.... wont work wan la....
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